Well 20 days but who's counting right? LOL I was disappointed in myself that I couldn't do a daily blog post, but things haven't been very good. I'm a very verbal person, but I just didn't think people wanted to hear about PTSD and how it affects not only the person that has it but their family members also. But then again, one of the reasons I starting writing this blog was to help other people that might be going through some things similar to me. I hope through this post - and maybe some more in the future - I will help at least one person.
I've been so proud of my hubby going to counseling, keeping up his medications, etc. We talked multiple times about making the trip to AZ for Christmas, and this year Rich says "make the reservations". I made plane and hotel reservations but for some reason I wasn't jumping up and down (even though it might not be physically but inside). I've been disappointed before - too many times. Of course I've disappointed Rich too - all the times he wanted to make a day trip and I didn't feel good enough to go.
It was soon after I made the arrangements Rich took off work, slept all day, brushed off his counselor appointments. He got up maybe once in the day, ate something, watched some TV, went back to sleep. I gave him his "space", I joined some PTSD forums for support. I didn't blog, didn't do any crafts. I felt isolated, not wanting to tell any online friends (even close ones). After a few days I wanted to talk about what was bothering Rich, and like anyone with depression he said "I don't know" and "everything". A few more days went by and I got mad. Angry because I wasn't feeling well, angry because after almost 27 years why we couldn't talk about this.
From my point of view I believe in "preventative medicine". In other words - once you find the right doctor, counselor, and tools to help yourself use them. Even when you aren't going through a crisis there are things we can do for the times things will happen and we "crash and burn".
Tomorrow we'll be going to the counselor together - after Rich has a session for himself. It's a step in the right direction and I'm glad Rich finally agreed to go to the counselor. I know there are a lot of things Rich needs to face - his childhood, his relationship with our daughter, the incidents that brought PTSD into our lives. He has come a long way but I think there's more work to be done.
I am still on the fence about the trip to Arizona for Christmas. Rich has missed too many days for him to go. I was talking to the counselor and said "if I stay at home I'll be alone on Christmas while Rich is working" just like the past 4 years - except the year his mom stayed with us. She was sick and I felt sorry for her but I also resented the fact she was there so we couldn't go to AZ (if we would have).
In a way I'm glad I'm writing this out - and I'm letting Rich read it before I post it. I'm going to include some PTSD links that have helped me in the past couple of days - I hope they help you or someone you love.
I wish I would have had this after Rich came home after Desert Storm
This should NOT be happening to anyone serving in the military right now (2-3 deployments sometimes)